Category Archives: Blog

FEAR My Worst Enemy…or so I Thought.

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Last night at D.I.A.L It Up women’s class, I listened to Tammy Herron about “first times”…things that have happened to us and how it impacts our mind and most of the rest of our lives. You know like the first love? That even when you think about it now, it’s still like no other love you’ve had. The first high or first buzz, others will tell me is chased after by use after use after use…trying to capture that first high again. The first time you experience something traumatic and you do whatever it takes not to trigger that memory within you because you will remember it as if it happened again. That first embarrassing moment in your young life that just made you want to just die and drives you to a place of isolation so that you never feel it again. Even the first intimate encounter in your young life..whether it was permitted or forced upon you will create confusion and struggle when the time comes for a right relationship. Even just social relationships will be affected by it.

Sooooo….. I said all of that to say that most of my life…fear has overtaken me and I would identify it as my worst enemy. My very first memory was in kindergarten and the teacher had a death grip on my hand as my mom walks away and there I stood crying and trying to pull away from this person I don’t even know, with this unbelievable sick feeling that something terrible was going to happen. It does then seem that that very moment shaped my life. Now I realize that probably many children had/have “come a parts” when sent to daycare or school for the first time, but it did something in me. I can say that most of my life had been avoiding uncomfortable (to point of isolation) situations and I can honestly say an enormous number of tears have come from me. Which I also learned last night that crying is a major stress reliever and has me wondering…where the scripture says, “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” Just how big is my bottle and how thick is that book? Sorry, total side note. Carrying all that fear creates much stress and I released many tears.

Anyway, I promise you I’m getting to a point here. Lately I had been asking God, why? Why, does fear so easily overtake me? I mean, trust me when I say I am so far from where I use to be regarding isolation and fighting fear all the time. But in those moments of where life slaps you around, that my mind takes me back to that place of vulnerable…that unbelievable sick feeling I get when I was 5 years old that something bad is going to happen. I question, why? I mean I get that fear is a preservation mechanism built within us. But I believe many of us have a short in our wiring and we have a flight, freeze or fight reaction, when it really should be none. So, the Lord and I have been having this conversation and let me tell you it is a one way conversation. I’ve been pulling and reading scriptures on fear and trying to get an understanding. Scriptures like…

“The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? When the wicked came against me to eat up my flesh, my enemies and foes, they stumbled and fell. Though an army should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war should rise against me, in this I will be confident.” Psalm 27:1

“Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God I will praise His word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me? … In God I have put my trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” Psalm 56: 3,11

And of course…many know this

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).

Don’t get me wrong, these scriptures I use in those life moments do work. But I still experience this overwhelming sick feeling of something bad, until I can get that “Peace of God” to kick in. But let’s be real, we will at sometime or another encounter fear. Then recently and I mean very recently my question has changed to…why am I scared to feel fear if He has taught me how to handle fear.

Rollback time to little girl in kindergarten, who didn’t understand that the threat was imagined, but the distressing emotion consumed her to believe the threat was real. My husband thinks that it is odd I do not remember before 5 yrs old when he has several memories before then. I look back on my young childhood and all my memories up to, and can I be real honest…through high school having to do with me, bring with it that sick feeling and today have realized it was a lie. There was never a real threat in all those situations that was life threatening or anything bad.

Be Blessed, Speak Life and against all Hope, in Hope, Believe. I believe the enemy wants us to feel distressing emotion, the condition of being afraid….fear. Situations arise in our lives or those we love and the enemy wants us to believe there is a threat. There is a scripture that says, “I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears”.

No matter if they are real or imaginary…

When We Come to End of self…

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Coming to end of self is excruciating (agonizing, severe, acute, intense, violent, racking, searing, piercing, stabbing, raging, mentally agonizing; very embarrassing, awkward, or tedious.)…but needed.  The Bible says 2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature, the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.

The part where…old things passed away; behold (SEE), new things HAVE come.  In my mind, I see cleaning out my closet full to the brim with clothes.  You know the clothes that made you look good…when you were 30 lbs. lighter.  Yet, you cannot bring yourself to throw or give them away.  The clothes that is for every size you have fluctuated in the last 10 years.  The clothes that are out of date but bring memories of good times and just might come back into style, all of THOSE clothes.  I think that I cannot bring any new clothes in because I have no room.  So the old cloths must go and lets be real it is a struggle to remove not the things we hold on to, but why we hold on to them.

Coming to the end of our self is the same agonizing task on a very personal level.  Because you, as with clothes need to examine why you have this attitude, thought process or response and action.  It is a deep cleaning of the old and at times even the mourning of the passing or letting go of the old you.  It is a lot of hard and emotional work.  In the midst of it all, you kick up other situations and circumstances that brings you to the place you stacked up things and realize how it has cluttered your life.

Now, I also see this as not the removing of everything from the closet or you, but the things that have no value or use in your current life.  It is a process of elimination and replace with things that add His value to your life.  An everyday process creating a place where we change into a new creature.   To be able to walk into a clean closet and see all that is there to use every day without thought if it is in style, season or size is freedom.  That as we continue to eliminate, as we go through this journey…new things have come.  We become a new creature that does not respond in old ways.  That always being right is not necessary if being right would demean or tear other down.  That when you come to a place of serving, hearing others thoughts and opinions, careful that your words bring unity and solidarity is a sign of leadership in the Kingdom of God.

Be Blessed, Speak Life and against all Hope, in Hope, Believe.  Believing that my old thinking and reacting had brought me to a place of trauma drama.  However, His way makes me a new creature and I am excited about the new things that have and continue to come.

Yes, coming to end of self is excruciating…but needed.

 

 

 

Stripped of me

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Perception…..

Being in a church of such diversity can be tough. I remember the first few times of being in various classes, I was the most uncomfortable person in the world and I couldn’t wait to leave. I could never put my finger on it as to why. It wouldn’t be long, after building a couple relationships those friends  coming to me and saying, “when I met you, I didn’t think you liked me at all and was a so intimidated by you because you didn’t say much of anything and was distant, but now that I know you, I couldn’t have been more wrong!”  This COMPLETELY  shocked me, even bothered me to the point it sent me to my prayer closet seeking answers.  You see, we can easily think we are projecting a certain persona that we’re comfortable with, it’s called,” exposed brick” in the decorating world.  Insecurities, pride,  unresolved hurts,  agendas, motives and out of season ambitions are just a few of the bricks used to build the walls of DIY persona.  We then, display on the outside of those brick walls the perfectly posed selfies of what we WANT people to see, while the parts we aren’t comfortable exposing remain behind.  I NEVER wanted people to think those things about me, but then again, I’ve never felt I could be myself around anyone but my family. How completely unflattering,  unintentional, and unlike Christ,   I thought.

Fast forward to dial it up. I began teaching this class every other week a couple months ago. Much to my surprise, the serious, stoic, biblically studious part of me all but disappeared that hour and I never felt more vulnerable and naked before a group in all my life, I was mortified!! It was like this other girl emerged out of this quiet, nerdy,  bookworm and began teaching the Bible improv style with comedic overtones and all based on my own ugly, messed up experiences.  After that first night I drove home nearly in tears saying,  GOD, YOU SERIOUSLY DID NOT JUST DO THAT TO ME ON PURPOSE!!!!!  Although, the LADIES seemed to enjoy it, but to me, I was saying stuff not written down, not premeditated, not studied and it was all based on my messed up, mistake filled experiences that I had no intention of sharing.  I didn’t even recognize the woman that emerged that evening and hoped she went back to wherever it was she came from!!!

Little did I know, God was stripping me of my protective layers I had always called, “Tammy” aka security.  After that night relationships quickly began to build and the relationships that had been built with those who were my proverbial “birds of a feather”, meaning they too were/are covered in layers of who they think they should be, aspire to be or how they want people to see them, began to fall by the wayside. My eyes were clearly opened and I swear I felt like I had spiritually lost 1,000lbs. I thought I pretty much knew myself , but this part that I carried hindered me from what Christ had for me.   While all that night I reeled from the shock of so much of myself being put out there and not really knowing how to respond to the new person that emerged in that first class, I simply prayed and opened my Bible to the story of Lazarus.   When he died and was raised, Jesus said, remove the grave clothes.  That was me.  Since that first dial it up class, I’ve never felt so free with such a new found confidence in who I truly am and so ready for the next steps. No longer am I held captive by the labels, titles, expectations and personas of how I should be according to others expectations. Being “just me” I’ve found is exceptional because I am made in the image of God.  Fearfully and wonderfully made that is.  I don’t have to be what others think.  MY personality is perfect in His sight and my character is changed to be more like His everyday.  Lastly, touching others with the heart and love of Jesus is all that’s needed to be the Me, approved by Him. 😊 

 

Be Anxious for Nothing….

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At times it seems as if I go through these periods of everything being a struggle. During these times I feel anxious about everything around me. I have to constantly remind myself of the scripture in Philippians chapter 4:6-7 that say…

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with Thanksgiving, let your request be known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

During these times I must continually do it and not just read what the scripture says. Instead of letting the thoughts I think reside within me, I must pray and talk with God, and believe me…. do I talk with God a lot. LOL. I have to concentrate on all the things that I know He has done for me, that I must be aware of when He was with me. When most of your life you were constantly surrounded by such unsureness, I think is when anxiety tends to become part of your familiar. However, when you come to a revelation that God is really with you and wants relationship with you to help you. Then you’re familiar is challenged and you must start looking at things different. I mean analyzing it and being purposeful on your thinking and how you feel. Has it been a challenge? Yes, very much so…that is something that I continue to do even today.

What I have found out…it is really during these times of struggle when I go back and apply the scriptures again (yes, again and again) making it part of who I am is when I really see who He is and His faithfulness. I do not claim to ever have it all together or wouldn’t even suggest I have all the answers…but if we do not have honest dialogue or transparency, how do we move forward or help others and maybe in the midst continue to help ourselves.

Be Blessed, Speak Life and against all Hope, in Hope, Believe. Believing that reading of the word is good, repeating it is better, but being a doer of the word is where I want to be.

Today…the doer of the word will be what changes us…and the world. ~april harris

Called to Freedom

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Restore is about restoration and relationship. In Galatians chapter 5:13-15 it talks about being called to freedom and the whole law is fulfilled in one word….love one another and what happens when you do the opposite. It reads….

13For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.
14For the whole Law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, “YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.”
15But if you bite and devour one another, take care that you are not consumed by one another.

Now I understand that it is not easy to love someone especially when they have done something that impacts us in a negative way. However it is not that we have to love what they’ve done but who they are in Him. None of us are perfect and we all fall short, but when we were at our lowest our Father in heaven loved us. He continued to love us even when we’re messed up, creating the mess or inserting ourselves into others trauma drama…like we didn’t have enough of our own. Lol.

If you are thinking that I can’t do that, then the question I would ask is, “do you love you?” Because the first time I read the scripture to love your neighbor as yourself, I thought…how that was not possible because I didn’t love me. If I could be real…I had the hardest time, because everyplace I went there I was and I was so terribly unhappy and I put my unhappiness on everyone else. It was a total revelation to me as to why I was so judgmental. The harder I was on me…the harsher I was on others. It’s that thing about if I could convince myself they are worse than me, it would make me feel better. Now how twisted and sick thinking was that…such lies if the enemy.

This world sure could use some called to freedom and learn to love each other. The verse 15 that states, but if you bite and devour one another, take care that you are not consumed by one another. Have you seen this in your life or in other peoples lives that struggle with loving as Christ loved? I know I experienced first hand and it was so not pretty. At times it has come back and consumed me and almost broke me. I’ve seen it in the news every day where people think their opinions are the only one and will set out to destroy people reputations. Even listening to the news and hearing grown adults calling people names just makes me shake my head. I have been involved in conversations where the exact same thing has been done and I know at times I have been the one doing it myself.

But we must remember what the Scripture says that you are called to freedom and not to use that freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but to serve one another. There is freedom that comes from loving unconditionally, without judgment and to serve others when they’re at their lowest. There is a freedom that comes when you know how much your Father loves us…truly loves us and then it’s easy to share that same love to others.

Be Blessed, Speak Life and against all Hope, in Hope, Believe. I’m Believing that we are called to freedom and you have to answer it, because if you don’t…you miss it.

Today you are called…will you answer?

Are You Willing?

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Within our boundaries we determine who we are and within those borders we become no more that what we or others have spoke into us. However it is when we can move past our boundaries into the openness where we are vulnerable…between our boundaries and situations, circumstances and others is when we change.

In the openness we gain knowledge and understanding outside ourselves. It is at that moment of colliding (hit with force when moving) with others, circumstances, situations that we redefine who we are and become more than who we were.

1 Peter 2:9-10 MSG. That you are the ones chosen by God, chosen for the high calling of Priestly work, chosen to be a holy people, God’s instruments to do his work and speak out for Him, to tell others of the night and day difference He made for you…from nothing to something, from rejected to accepted.

Be Blessed, Speak Life and against all Hope, in Hope, Believe. Believing I am me and must push past me and collide with situation, circumstances and you. It is where I can understand and experience…to truly know me is to live beyond me.

This week boundaries that define you are boundaries that contain you, but if you are God’s chosen called out…nothing shall can contain you.  ~april harris

Friendship & Love

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Reality Check AheadRecently, I’ve had several opportunities to see and feel what true ministry and friendship is all about. In the past I’d always considered myself a good friend. Today, I’m learning that friendship and love are ACTION words. There are some other good action words that we too often used as nouns; like grace and mercy. Often times when someone around us is faced with an illness, tragedy, or difficulty we get caught up asking questions, “What’s happened?…”, “What’s wrong?…”, ” What did the Doctors say?”. From now on I won’t be giving my best advice, past experience or inundating them with questions about the details. The proper response has been demonstrated to me. “What can I do?” God has equipped us all with special gifts to help. Maybe we don’t have extra money to ease the financial burden. Do we have time? I guarantee they will remember and appreciate the neighbor who picked up the kids, made a casserole, mowed the lawn or even cared for pets. These are things we probably would never even cared for pets. These are things we probably would never ask someone to do~ and just think of the financial contribution it is for them not to have to pay someone to do these necessities! I’ve also learned that a person’s struggles may not be at all obvious. We never know what someone may be going through. We often ask the Lord to show His mercy, but are we? Am I a shining example of grace in action when someone cuts me off on the highway or jumps ahead of me in line? So I may be late to the dentist and he’s rushing to his wife’s side for her first round of chemo. People go to do mission work in a third-world country, but do they go to their local soup kitchens to help their neighbors? God wants us to do the best we can with what we have right where we are, (and if that’s Ethiopia that’s wonderful…don’t get me wrong). Maybe they don’t need anything but to be heard and know that I have time for them and care enough to listen. Each and every time we reach out to our fellows in loving kindness we are praising the Lord.

Marie Metcalf

A Second Chance

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If I could pick the verse that best describes what has happened in the last five years of my life, I would point to:

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. – Romans 12:2

So, my thinking and way of looking or not looking at things kept me in isolation. I was functioning. Working, raising children, being a good wife. But inside; inside, I was insecure, fearful (about everything) and the anxiety at times would cause me to think I might have a heart attack. Thinking I was a little dramatic? Maybe. Thinking I was being a tab bit unrealistic? Probably. Never the less, it was as real as it could get, but, the Lord allowed me to start seeing it from another perspective – a different point of view or angle. When did it start?  I’m not sure. Do I get it all the time?  Most definitely not!  But I get excited when I do and it’s normally on Monday nights, in the midst of the realness.

A little boy, about seven years old, went up to class and after several disruptions the boy was being walked back downstairs to sit with his mother.  He was escorted by a fairly tall, substantial sized, young man and on his way to his mother, the look on his face was as if to say, “no good is going to come of this when my mother finds out what I’ve done.”  But another teacher, teaching the five and younger class, happened to notice that look.  She asked him his name and if he would he like to come into her class.  The little boy looked up at tall young man asking with his eyes, “Can I?”  The wise young man told him he could and this was a second chance he had been given.

The teacher took him into class and started saying how she could use his help with the chairs since he was bigger than the other children.  He delighted in helping and being told what a good job he did and what a good boy he was.

When class was over, the other children filed past the class with remarks that he had been a bad kid in class that day, but the teacher promptly let them know that was in the past and he had been a good boy and she appreciated his help.

Can you see God in all in of that? We as humans would want to focus on the shortcomings of this child.  How he should act or behave.  Thank the Lord for second chances – for allowing us to see our potential. Even when people want to throw the past back up in our faces. We hear His voice reminding us that the past is gone and we receive mercy!

Thanks to the Restore family who teach our children about love, compassion, second chances and mercy.  Be Blessed, Speak Life and against all Hope, in Hope, Believe. I’m believing that when you think bad things happen and it doesn’t look like you will survive it, you’ll remember He might be using someone to make a way out for you and show you something good in it. Just coming from April’s angle….

Thank God it’s Spring!

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Spring FieldsNever in my entire life have I looked forward to Spring more than this year. I know I am growing older and the entire, dark, dismal days of winter have been awful for me this year. The need for greater and longer lasting light is appreciated so much more than in years past.

The winter days have killed off, or so it seems, the foliage and flowers. However, I know that with death comes new life, brighter and longer days, and the bursting forth of colors from the ground to the trees.

Our eyes will become wide open and our energy levels will increase multiple times over. I encourage you to stop hugging ‘Old Man Winter’ and run like a wild person toward the Spring. The past season has had its purpose, but the Spring, the first season in the new year, is almost here. It has been waiting for you to arrive as well.

Allow yourself to break out of the darkness and hardness of your inward self into the light and life that is all around you. You will not just break out but in the right season you will bare some fruit as well.

You will be elated at the decisions you will make this season because it will return to you compounded with interest. It will be easier to expand your possibilities because the past has prepared you for this Spring-thank God for the Spring!